I'm Not Fooled

I had an hour or so to kill before watching tonight's supposed championship football match, so I decided to share some knowledge. I'm not fooled by the name of tonight's game. I know who the real national champions are. (So does John Feinstein). If you're afraid to click on the links, I'll give you a hint:


This diagram can be rearranged any number of ways, but the Utah logo will always be at the top because the Utes did not lose to anyone. When you're the only team that hasn't lost to anyone all season and has beat quality opponents (see above), then you're the national champion. It's as simple as that. It's silly to me to think that reasonable people could conclude otherwise. Whoever wins tonight's game will forever be an impostor champion.

There are other impostors who currently walk among us. Many have fallen for their charades, but not me. I'm too sane.

Anyone who watched at least one minute of last year's Olympic Games heard about Michael Phelps' freakish body. His long torso and short legs made him into a human fish -- a merman. Well, he didn't get that way by accident. The truth is that Gheorghe Muresan never lost the will to compete and had his legs surgically shortened. He then got some plastic surgery to appear younger and changed his name to Michael Phelps. It's true. The resemblance is undeniable. See for yourself:



If you saw that documentary entitled "Enchanted", you'll understand that there is a process that enables animated characters to become real people. Well, Ariel wasn't the only one who wanted "to be where the people are." That dratted old sea witch has apparently made the transformation:

Couldn't anyone exposed to the abominable monstrosity that is Ursula O'Donnell be considered a poor unfortunate soul?

If you're like me, you hate Sarah Jessica Parker. Not only is she a terrible actress, she is also frequently cast as a love interest despite her hideousness. Seriously, you can't tell me that of all the people on the earth to put in the roles that she has played that she is in the top 90%. People pay good money to see superbabes at the movies and on tv and they're given that withered old lizard. What a fraud. It may surprise you to know that her fraudulence actually transcends these relatively superficial arguments. What you are about to see will convince you that she's a virtual chameleon. She often masquerades as Dee Snider (lead singer of Twisted Sister) and Seabiscuit:

Now you've seen through the BS and you didn't even have to use drugs.